If you’re married, respecting your husband like the Proverbs 31 Woman doesn’t have to be difficult … but it does need to be intentional.
Which came first: the chicken or the egg?
And in Proverbs 31:23, which came first: a husband or a well-respected man?
As Proverbs 31:23 says, “Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.”
My question is this: Was the Proverbs 31 Woman’s husband a man worthy of respect when they got married? Did she choose a husband wisely? (Or have her husband wisely chosen for her?)
Or did her husband change into a well-respected man during their marriage?
We’ll never know for sure, but we do know that during their marriage he was a man who was respected by many.
Love and respect
If you’ve studied biblical marriage, you know that husbands need respect from their wives. As Ephesians 5:33 instructs, “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Just as women need love, men need respect. And as a husband feels respected by his wife, he will begin to live in such a way that he is worthy of respect.
(Try it. If you’re feeling frustrated with your marriage, first pray about your husband and your relationship with him. Ask the Lord to help you respect your husband … and then start respecting him with your words and actions. A transformation may not happen overnight, but you’ll be amazed with the results.)
As you respect your husband and he becomes respectable, others will notice the change, too. His behavior through his actions and words will be worthy of respect.
Others will watch your respect-filled attitude and behavior, too. As you become a woman worthy of honor and respect, they’ll take note.
When your husband isn’t worthy of respect
Just as the Bible includes the Proverbs 31 Woman’s respectable marriage, the Bible also tells about the very different marriage of Abigail and her husband Nabal.
As 1 Samuel 25 recounts, “Now the name of the man was Nabal, and the name of his wife Abigail. The woman was discerning and beautiful, but the man was harsh and badly behaved.”
When David was passing by Nabal and Abigail’s property, he guarded all that Nabal had in the wilderness, so he sent his men and asked for favor. Nabal refused.
David was offended that Nabal was returning evil for good, so he told his men to strap on their swords for retribution. Abigail’s servants told her about the situation and she took matters into her own hands.
Abigail hurried and presented David with gifts (two hundred loaves and two skins of wine and five sheep already prepared and five seahs of parched grain and a hundred clusters of raisins and two hundred cakes of figs) and apologized to David. He accepted her apology and spared her household.
When Abigail returned home, Nabal was holding a feast and was drunk, so she didn’t tell him what happened with David. “In the morning, when the wine had gone out of Nabal, his wife told him these things, and his heart died within him, and he became as a stone. And about ten days later the Lord struck Nabal, and he died.” (1 Samuel 25:37-38)
After Nabal’s death, David took Abigail to be his own wife.
Why ever Abigail married Nabal, we’ll never know. We do know she had to deal with her badly behaved husband. Even when he wasn’t worthy of respect, she still wisely tried to correct his mistakes. She may not have done it with the utmost respect (in verse 25, Abigail tells David, “Let not my lord regard this worthless fellow, Nabal, for as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name, and folly is with him.”) but she did work hard to protect their household.
Even if your husband isn’t worthy of respect now, keep doing respectable things. And keep praying. You never know what may happen … God may hand him over to the folly of his ways like Nabal, or He may change him into a respectable man.
A wife’s influence
As you treat your husband with respect and as you patiently pray for him, look for changes over time. (I’m not talking about days or weeks … but years.)
As I think of the power of a wife’s influence on her husband, I think of the humorous tale of a woman and her mayor husband:
As they’re driving around town, they happen to pass by the wife’s ex-boyfriend, who works as a garbage collector.
“If you would have married him,” the mayor says, “you would be the wife of a garbage man … NOT a mayor.”
“If I would have married him,” the wife retorts,” HE would have been mayor.”
Instead of wondering what comes first – a husband or a well-respected man – we need to be more concerned about how we are helping our husbands and treating them with respect. As wives, we need to use our influence for good.
Instead of only wondering what Christian homemakers, wives, and mothers could or should do, Proverbs 31 details it for us. The best part? The Proverbs 31 woman’s examples completely apply to life today. And they can help you manage your home.
In Hilary Bernstein’s eBook, Becoming a Modern-Day Proverbs 31 Woman, readers dig into the biblical example of Proverbs 31 woman. The instant download includes 16 insightful chapters that will help you learn how to respect your husband, become an excellent wife, and glorify God with your life. Buy your copy now!
When it comes to respecting your husband, how are you doing?
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Rachel says
This is something I confess I’ve neglected lately. It is so easy to get busy with the doing- caring for kids, keeping the home running, making sure my husband has meals and clean clothes… when the most important way I can show love to my husband is by speaking respectful words that build him up. Thanks for the reminder! The Lord has been hammering this out to me in many ways lately…
Corinne Civish says
Please put cautions in for women, who want to be righteous and Christian in the relationship, especially in regards to their husbands, when the husband is repeatedly harmful. I’ve had one friend murdered, one friend nearly murdered, and several other friends injured repeatedly (physically, emotionally, financially, sexually), by their spouse, who they try to see through “Christ’s eyes”. Too many of them remained silent for too long, not wanting to be disrespectful, or judging, or “giving up on love”. When, when does a woman, save herself, and set a good example for her children, by leaving the marriage?
Ta says
No one says anything about staying with a harmful person. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that any post noting Proverbs31 as a guide is helping wives deal with pride in a wife who could be resentful of a disrespectful or difficult personality or unmet expectations. This teaching is meant to help those of us who may feel such things to suck it up in less words then many. I hope you and others find peace. I know I have as I eNt to do something about my situation, I have chosen to respect him. Although not perfect, I am trying to remember that by allowing God to humble me in every step He gives me toward a better marriage.
Hilary says
I’m sorry, Corinne, but this post definitely was not meant for wives in abusive marriages. If a wife is in danger, she needs to seek professional help immediately.
Virginia says
There are not enough posts on the web supporting women in abusive marriages. Posts like this might be accurate for women in healthy, loving marriages, but it does make it confusing for women who aren’t in those kinds of marriages. An abused woman may feel guilt for wanting to leave, or like she’s failing God, or will be unlovable if she divorces.
There is a definite point where the best decision that a woman can make for herself and her family is to leave. I think each woman has to decide what that point is, but should also feel the freedom to make that choice free of condemnation. God hates divorce, but He does not hate the divorced.
Thank you for being bold enough to stand up for women who aren’t afforded what we consider basic human rights of kindness and love.
Dani says
I would advise any woman who is an abusive man to call the police and leave. God made a wife to help her husband, not as a punching bag for his sinful ways! When a woman stays with a man who abuses her she condones his sin. Her children will suffer trauma from the violence within that home, and who knows what evil will come into the home as the result of his sin? Such a husband brings destruction on the entire families head. You can be sure that he will not allow the children to be raised godly and will berate the wife in front of the the children. Worse, he may abuse the children and they will fault their mother for failing to protect them. No woman should tolerate any abuse whatsoever from their husbands. A good majority of them are reprobates and don’t want to change. They are NOT Christian men and God is not pleased with them.
Women had better start studying the bible, the AKJV 1611 for themselves so that they know what to look for in a godly man. 1 John is a book about love and tells you how to tell a Christian from a false teacher. Men do not become abusive overnight it was always there. Learn to recognize the marks of a reprobate (see Romans 1). Humanistic psychology calls them “sociopaths”or psychopaths.
Jennifer says
Wow .. I am sure you have great intentions with your marriage posts, but why are you advising women to respect men that don’t have respect for them? I disagree strongly with trying to “correct” your husband’s behavior or mistakes. Husbands are grown adults, and their wives are not their mothers and should not be teaching them basic respect for others. Yes, people make mistakes .. and communication in a marriage is important, perhaps the most important thing, as is forgiveness, but this article seems to be about more than forgiving occasional or even a one time transgression. It seems to be about keeping quiet and accepting on-going treatment that is not in line with the golden rule. Women should not be asked or encouraged to sacrifice their own needs and accept sub-par treatment in the name of “respecting” their spouse, hoping that one day they will come around and treat them with the same kind of “respect”. I don’t usually comment on things like this but I couldn’t read this article and not say something.
Hilary says
I’m sorry that I’m having a hard time following your comment, Jennifer, since this post isn’t about keeping quiet or accepting ongoing treatment that is not in line with the golden rule.
Since the golden rule is to do to others what you would have them do to you, it seems logical that a wife who is looking for respect should respect her husband. By showing respect and praying, a lot can change. I’ve watched it happen in my own marriage. I’ve watched it happen in my parents’ marriage. I’ve read about it in past reader comments.
If you are in an abusive relationship – whether it’s emotionally or physically abusive – you need to seek professional help. But for wives who are struggling with a basic respect for their husbands, I stand by my advice.
Kaitlyn says
After reading the comments and now several of your articles in the past 20 minutes or so…..
I think sometimes readers should express common sense. God is never intending, nor approving of, female abuse. The Bible, in being a better person, is never to condone abuse… and Jesus tells us in the Bible that Moses permitted husbands and wives to divorce for reasons of immorality (which I feel abuse and adultery fall under) and hardness of heart. Jesus says it hasn’t always been this way, but that Moses allowed it.
That said, Proverbs 31 isn’t about instances in which we should be run over, abused, cheated on, and end in divorce. In fact, Proverbs 31 as a whole isn’t about marriage. It is about being a good woman – a Godly woman, and a few verses…. 6 actually…. talk about how a woman treats her family.
I agree with this article whole-heartedly. If one is ever in a situation in which they feel threatened, cheated on, or abused – LEAVE. But, don’t use this chapter as a reason to stay. And, don’t use this chapter as an excuse, either. Chatpers of the Bible can be studied, but can only be used for their intention. There are other verses for hardships and moral questions. This isn’t one of them, and I think readers need to keep this in mind.
Hilary says
Thank you so much for your comment, Kaitlyn. I completely agree with your clarification!
Stefani says
It can be tricky. I am currently separated from my husband due to ongoing emotional, mental, & some physical abuse. My health has plummeted as a result of all the stress. I believe in working for a good marriage but I too am at the point of like…what is a girl to do?? At what point is enough enough!!? I carry so much guilt for making the decision to move out but I believe it was at that point…you know, THAT point. The one where I become another victim of a fight gone too far. (I also, like Corinne have lost a beautiful sister to this type of man) 😔 But he (my husband) says he is so very sorry and he is going to Christian men’s groups, he’s trying. I’m his fourth wife. This is my second marriage. It hasn’t even been 1 year that we’ve been married. We are both christians, we’ve been seeing marriage Counsellers the entire relationship, we read books on marriage. I mean…what to do?? 🙂 but I will say, as much as this stinks & is so heartbreaking!!…I have peace in my heart. God has a plan.
💜Stefani
Hilary says
Oh, Stefani. I am so sorry! But you are right. God does have a plan. I’ll be praying that through the counseling and books you’ll be able to come to a decision that honors God and keeps you safe.
K.Martin says
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. Pr 31:23
It does not say that the Proverbs 31 woman respected her husband; I CERTAINLY AGREE THAT’S IMPLIED, but that’s not the focus of Proverbs 31:23. According to Pr 31:23, who respected her husband? The people at the gates.
Besides being part of a city’s protection against invaders, city gates were places of central activity in biblical times. The elders (who were generally men in a patriarchal society) made important business transactions, held court and made public announcements at the city gates.
The husband described in Pr 31: 23 is a man like Job. Job was respected at the gates and sat among the elders of the land (Job 29:7). Job was respected at the gates because of HIS OWN ACTIONS. He assisted the poor and orphans. He helped those without hope. Everything he did was honest. He served as eyes for the blind and feet for the lame. He was a father to the poor. He broke the jaws of godless oppressors. People listened to his advice. We know what it means for a man to be respected AT THE GATES (publicly) because Job demonstrated that for us.
Should a wife respect her husband? Absolutely. Eph 5:33 tells us that a wife should respect her husband. However, Pr 31:23 isn’t talking about the husband being the recipient of the wife’s respect. It’s talking about the husband being respected by the people at the gates. In the Old Testament, male elders were respected at the gate because of how they behaved, carried themselves and performed their duties. It had little to do with their wives. For example, Job’s wife was not a virtuous woman, yet that had no bearing on Job’s actions and the respect that earned at the gates because he was a man of integrity.
Unlike Job, Nabal was not respected at the gates. Nabal was known for his evil, foolish behavior. Nabal’s outrageous behavior was not Abigail’s fault. There’s a lot of propaganda out there that suggests that it’s a wife’s responsibility to make sure that her husband is respected at the gates, but that’s unfounded. It’s not a wife’s duty to make sure that her husband is respected in the gates; like Job, that’s a man’s own responsibility. WIVES SHOULD RESPECT THEIR HUSBANDS LIKE THE BIBLE COMMANDS. However, whether that man is respected at the gates is totally up to him, and it depend on how he behaves, carries himself and performs his duties at the gates. Will he be a Job at the gates? or Will he be a Nabal at the gates? That’s ultimately HIS decision.
Dani says
The husband is respected by others at the gate as a RESULT of his wife’s conduct. A virtuous woman who fears the Lord is BLESSED and the fruit of her hands is blessed. As a wife she respects her husband, raises godly children, manages the affairs of the home, uses her time wisely, is industrious. She builds her husband and her children up, her words are few but wise because she fears the Lord. She is not a maid, or a slave or an object. She is kind, and helps the poor. She never speaks badly about her husband or shames him in public or private. Her husband has confidence in her abilities. He trusts her because she is a willing servant of the Lord.
If you consider yourself a Christian and see that the marriage relationship is a type of the relationship between Christ and his church, you will see the correlation. As Christians, our conduct can either bring glory to the Lord or bring shame to his name. Our conduct will either cause Him to be “known in the gate” or scorned.
A wife has a responsibility to the Lord to conform herself to the image of Christ by the daily renewing of her mind and obedience – just as a man does. A husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loves the church…it is a sacrificial love. Marriage is a relationship that takes much selflessness on the part of both the husband and wife. Christ died for us while we were yet unlovable. I do not see the author telling anyone to put up with abuse of any kind. Your husband may not be worthy of respect but if you want to save your marriage, the way to do it is to obey the Lord. He can then work through you to bring about the needed change for your husband and marriage. The same applies for a husband.
Neither is the husband in Proverbs 31 to be compared to Job. This proverb is about the characteristics that are best suited to Gods purpose and the needs of a godly man and encourages Christian men to value virtue over mere physical beauty. How many men choose women of low moral character because of their external beauty? How many of these foolish men chose to marry them and found themselves to be laughingstocks by those “at the gate” because of the disgraceful conduct of their wives? The Proverbs 31 woman is a “crown” to her husband while all else is “rottenness to his bones”.
The bible (the AKJV 1611) does indeed “say” that the Proverbs 31 woman respects her husband and she is the reason he is known in the gates. It is made clear in all that she DOES.
Monica says
Thank you for teaching on godly truths. Keep up the great work. God’s word is ALWAYS true despite our opinions. Every answer to the problems we face can be found if we are seeking the Lord for wisdom. Keep up the great work!
Beth says
Sometimes, women need to exercise common sense. Nowhere in this post di Hilary say that women in abusive relationships should continue in that sort of situation. This post is about the proverbs 31 woman and her character. I believe that what Hilary meant by husbands who don’t respect their wives was geared more toward the little everyday matters like not paying attention when the wife is speaking, not providing as he should, those sorts of things, not physical or emotional violence.
As women of God, our first duty is to the Lord, husbands come second. As long as we are in a relationship with God, He will nudge us in the right direction. He gave us the ability to use common sense and the instinct for self preservation.
Hilary writes these posts with that in mind, I believe. I completely agree with this article and am working on it with my husband. I don’t have a woman that I can go to to get solid Biblical advice, so Hilary is my mentor. I know she would never lead anyone down a wrong or dangerous path.